(7) What about now? (Spoiler – I’m fine)

I’m pretty much fine now.

Which is why it has taken me SUCH a long time to write this blog post.

The brain bleed itself was ‘sexy’ – it was high action, with vomit, skull drilling, gnome parties and lots of humiliation.

Being fine is less of a ‘page turner. No great story is written about someone who is just ‘fine’.

Back in June 2017 though, when I got dizzy if I stood up for longer than a few minutes and I felt really miserable and was scared that no-one would ever employ me again, back then, I would have been sooooo relieved to know that in a couple of years, I would be ‘fine’.

And then here I am. Absolutely fine.

 

 

Once I’d discovered the online brain haemorrhage community (and they have online communities for EVERYTHING these days – it is SO EXCITING!!!) I posted in all the groups saying I was looking to talk to other people who had had the same type of brain haemorrhage to me.

I talked to a woman who had had a much more serious type than me, and another who had had a perimesencephalic bleed like me, but without hydrocephalus, so she’d only been in hospital a few days, and missed out on getting her skull drilled.

I only found one person who’d had pretty much the exact same haemorrhage as me. We had a lovely video chat (he was in the USA) and it was such a relief to talk to someone who ‘got it’. THAT is where the internet is just wonderful, and everything that it is meant to be. I still haven’t met anyone in real life who has also had a perimesencephalic brain haemorrhage.

Then I had a call with a lovely woman who shared her story with me as I walked round and round my local park. I was feeling pretty good at the time, almost back to my old self. She asked if I was sporty or physically fit, and I realised, THAT was the big difference now. I used to regularly do exercise videos, or go for runs, or big bike rides, and now I didn’t. The woman was a runner, and was telling me that 3 and a half years on, she was back running. As soon as I got off the call, I made the decision to get my fitness back.

Getting my fitness back took a little time but actually, it was fine. ‘Fine.’

My brother ‘tricked’ me into park run by not correcting me on the phone when I thought it was 3km rather than 5km. But I managed it and felt absolutely amazing. I kept up the running for a while, until my knee started playing up. But I won’t bore you with my ongoing dropped arches, tight hips, dodgy knee, somewhat frozen lower back, chronic pain issue. That isn’t your problem. And it doesn’t have anything to do with brain haemorrhage recovery. Let’s move on.

Around the time of my 2 year brain haemorrhage anniversary I challenged myself to cycle to Wetherby and back, and to Ilkley. Both journeys were just over 20 miles, which I managed ‘fine’.

I don’t massively push it with exercise nowadays, but I’m fit. I walk a lot, I cycle, I dance, I can run 5km in under 30 minutes. Well, I could if I didn’t have my ongoing dropped arches, tight hips, dodgy knee, somewhat frozen lower back chronic pain issue. But as I said, that isn’t your problem. And it doesn’t have anything to do with brain haemorrhage recovery. Let’s move on.

As for orgasms… I can do them. I’m still not as fearless as I was, but I’m getting there.

In other news, I don’t handle late nights very well (although sometimes I handle them fine), and I rarely drink, but I was heading that way anyway.  I probably would be just the same if I hadn’t had the haemorrhage. But then I’ll never know that for sure.

Sometimes, when I look for differences between me before and me now, I really feel like I’m clutching at straws!

I’m back fully functioning at work and have been since around 18 months to 2 years post brain haemorrhage. It’s a constant play with balance – getting enough sleep but still having fun, working and earning money, but enjoying leisure time too.

Balance balance balance.

But then that is self-employed life. Whether you’ve had a brain haemorrhage or not.

Occasionally I wonder if I have brain damage, like in an acting class when we went straight into a name-learning game and it STRESSED ME OUT!

I can learn names. I CAN! It just takes a little time and attention, and often asking people to repeat their name once or twice right at the start.  So, quick fire name learning games are not for me. That was one of the first times I thought, damn, I DO have brain damage. It wasn’t a nice realisation. And it didn’t help with calmly learning people’s names.

Most of the time, I prefer to think that I don’t have brain damage, but that in fact lots of people struggle to learn names. And lots of people forget words. And lots of people lose things. In fact, before my brain haemorrhage, I forgot my PIN number for two whole days. These things happen.

So at this level of memory trouble, it really is anyone’s guess whether it’s down to brain haemorrhage or just standard forgetfulness. And for my sanity, I prefer to put it down to forgetfulness. It makes me feel happier, and more hopeful.

IF there’s a memory brain issue, it’s in the VERY short term memory – the rest of my memory is fine; I can still learn lines for acting jobs, and I have many phone numbers stored in my head like the weirdo that I am.

The big thing that has changed since my brain haemorrhage is that I can spell haemorrhage.

Oh, and also, I’ve started writing more. First this blog, then some poems, then lots of writing on my massage page and even some writing for the stage. I always said that I loved writing, but I needed something to write about. My brain haemorrhage has been the perfect ‘food’ to get started.

Also, I’ve learnt, even more than before, to take care of myself. There’s no way I want to get burnt out again. Being burnt out was rubbish. So I prioritise sleep, I eat well, I get alone time and friend time and I work enough, but not too much.

Ha ha. As if! That is the INTENTION anyway. It’s a good intention.

So there you are. it’s almost three years on and I’m back working my three careers, whilst toying with the idea of adding writing into the mix. I honestly am absolutely fine. And I can only say that it’s because I’ve been lucky, but hey, who knows, maybe I have a much more positive attitude than I realise, because check out this very low quality photo from the day I got out of hospital:

Hang on – I was JUST out of hospital. I’d been in there for 11 days and instead of going to rest, I walked round the park in my new slippers, and jumped on the exercise machines.

For someone who identifies as being somewhat pessimistic, I had hope. I wanted to get back to work and so I needed to get better and so I jumped on the exercise machines. I had hope that I could get better LOADS faster than the people in hospital had said. They had said it might take me a year before I could get back to work, but I was having none of that. Perhaps I’m not so pessimistic after all. Perhaps I could even go as far as saying I am an optimist.

And I did get back to work. Yeah yeah, maybe I went back too soon, but, well, whatever, it’s done now. And now I’m fine.

I know a lot of people aren’t able to go back to their same job – they have ongoing health issues or fatigue or memory or personality changes, and that’s a whole different thing to deal with. That is bigger and I don’t know how you guys do it. Much respect.

I can only talk about my experience.

My brain haemorrhage was the best type of brain haemorrhage to have (or, ‘the least bad’, as a friend of mine suggested referring to it). Sure, I was poorly and exhausted for about 18 months, but after around 2 years, I was pretty much ok again.

It’s been an adventure, and an important part of my recovery has been finding other survivors and being part of that community. I love it so much. That is why I wrote this blog.

The whole ‘brain haemorrhage’ thing – it was significant. Back in 2017 it was everything. But now, it’s something in my past. Now, I’m fine.

Weird, life, isn’t it?